Young or old, you'll always be a child of divorce. As a young child, you looked forward to adulthood when you wouldn't have to wave good-bye to one parent as you drove away with the other for Christmas all the while worrying he or she would feel abandoned during the holiday. But now you're an adult and you realize the only difference is you're waving from the front seat instead of the back. Will the pain from the past ever go away? Maybe not. However, being prepared for the chaos may help you get a grip on it.
First, plan as much as possible. Sit down with your spouse and discuss what you want from the holiday. Then talk to each parent and find out what their plans are. Who are they expecting for Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? Will the celebrations be large with the potential for family drama or small, quiet gatherings? Will there be special relatives attending or activities they'd like your family to participate in? Then, you and your spouse decide which gathering will be best for you and your family and tell everyone your plans.
As you make your plans, however, don't forget your own family. Don't put your children third behind parents you'll probably never please. If going to a Christmas Eve church service or mass is important to you, tell your family you will not give up that time together, but they're welcome to join you. If you've always celebrated Christmas morning, schedule it for you. Your children have the right to make memories and traditions with their own family before being rushed out the door for a day of chaos.
All of the planning you did may help prepare you for the backlash that will come when you announce where you will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Your siblings may hit you with “How can you want to spend time with him? He's got a new wife. Let them have each other.” or “You know we always spend Christmas morning with Mom!” You'll also hear your parents saying, “I never get to see you or my grandkids, but your brother and sister will be with me on Christmas morning so I won't be alone” or “I'd hoped you could meet your new stepfamily on Christmas eve, but it's alright.”
Ok, no amount of planning will completely protect you from this guilt onslaught. Saying, “I'm sorry we can't be there. We just can't be in two places at once” can only go so far. But think again about your kids. At Christmas, we not only celebrate Jesus' birth, but we celebrate families. When you pull up to each parent's house, the kids aren't burdened with the angst you are. They jump out of the car, run up and hug grandma or grandpa, sneak Christmas cookies, and try to sneak a peek at their presents. This is their memory-making time. Let it be yours, too. Let their innocent happiness help you forget your guilt as they laugh and play with their cousins and listen to your uncle tell them the story of the donkey and the doorbell for the umpteenth time. Have the Christmas you always wanted. Give yourself a break.
Despite your best efforts, you might wonder if you'll ever stop being the guilt-ridden child waving from the backseat, longing for that day you wouldn't have to do this, but it really is time to give yourself a break. No matter what you do, no matter how great your gifts are or how much time you spend with either parent, you can't fix the situation. If they're still angry, it's up to them to decide what to do with those feelings. No one can do it for them. And it is true. You can't be in two places at once, and someone will be alone. However, you can have those happy holidays by focusing on each precious moment with the family you have, your children, your spouse, and anyone else gathering with you. Enjoy them, love them, and give the guilt-ridden child inside you a holiday of peace.