Co-parenting during and after a divorce can be tough, but it can be even more complicated if you have a special needs child. It requires an increased amount of cooperation, consideration, and communication than co-parenting healthy children, particularly in high conflict divorces. Both parents must put the child's needs before their own, especially if the child doesn't understand what is happening in their family.
A parenting plan lays out each parent's responsibilities when it comes to the child, as well as how much time each will spend with them. Legally binding, the parenting plan prioritizes the child's best interests, something the state of Texas takes very seriously. Because of this, courts often require parents to create them before custody and visitation decisions are made.
Although divorce can wreak havoc on all members of the family, they may especially hurt those children who don't have the mental capacity to understand what is happening to their family or who have trouble dealing with change. Parenting plans help establish routines that help them ease into their new daily life. There are some things to consider no matter what issue a special needs child is dealing with.
- Consistency – Divorce brings change and that can't be helped. However, parents can help by maintaining a consistent environment from one house to another such as agreed times for homework and bed as well as consistent forms of discipline. Any changes must be made by both parents. If necessary, this should be written into the co-parenting plan.
- Cut back on travel time – Reducing the amount of time parents spend driving the child from one home to another strengthens stability. One suggestion is bird nesting. Instead of the child moving back and forth between two houses, one parent might rent a small apartment not far from the custodial parent's home. Each parent then stays in the main home for the decided upon visitation time while the other stays in the apartment.
- Consider the child's unique needs – Parents must address such issues as medical appointments, therapy sessions, special education services, and other daily needs that may arise. Can both administer all medications, including in injections? Can both perform any home therapy necessary?
- Set aside a section for “Special Needs” in the parenting plan - This section would protect the child from either parent attempting to use the child's needs to “win battles.” For example, the custodial parent may say the non-custodial parent doesn't know how to care for the child properly and simply request extra time. This section would require the custodial parent to teach the non-custodial parent how to perform any tasks necessary to care for the child rather than using it as leverage. The non-custodial parent must also be prepared to learn new, necessary tasks, rather than simply claiming they are being purposefully kept in the dark by the custodial parent. Neither can dominate the other when it comes to decisions concerning treatment, education, or long-term care. Both must also have a say in caregivers if the custodial parent is unavailable.
- Reduce Conflict – Your contentious divorce is creating a bad situation for everyone, not just your special needs child. However, children with ADHD will see you fighting and feel increased anger they have no idea how to release. They could then end up lashing out in inappropriate ways. Put your feelings of anger and betrayal away for the sake of your children. You will be an active parent to your healthy children until they are at least 18, and chances are you will be active in your special needs child's life much longer than that. Learn how to get along for their sake.
Co-parenting a child with special needs can be difficult, not just during the divorce, but afterwards, as well. As they grow, their needs will change and you and your ex will need to meet regularly to reassess your rules and strategies. But with patience and cooperation, the two of you will be able to create a world in which they can live and thrive.