Domestic abuse is a traumatic experience. Abusers physically assault their victims, leaving them with bruises and broken bones. The victim is so terrorized by their abuser that they can't leave, and it often takes outside intervention to help them. But what if there are no cuts or bruises? Some abusers use mental rather than physical intimidation to dominate their victims. This type of abuse is called coercive control.
Coercive control is emotional abuse. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline defines it as “non-physical behaviors meant to control, isolate, and frighten” victims. Women are more often victims of coercive control. Despite advances in social equality, they are still expected to put the needs of others before their own. This makes them especially vulnerable.
Most of these behaviors are subtle. People outside of the relationship may not even notice them. These behaviors include:
- Jealousy – At the beginning of every romantic relationship, couples want to spend as much time together as possible. However, in an abusive relationship, the abuser becomes more insistent. If they can't be with the victim physically, they want to know where the victim has been every minute, who they've been with, and where they've been.
- Isolation – Eventually, the abuser will not allow them to see their friends at all, even going so far as to tell them their friends no longer like them and don't want to see them. They also limit the amount of time the victim can spend with their families, sometimes calling family members and making up reasons why the victim doesn't want to see them.
- Monitoring – The abuser will check the victim's email and texts without permission. They may insist on changing all separate passwords to matching passwords. They may also constantly check social media accounts, as well as convince the victim to open dual accounts.
- Name calling – The abuser may belittle the victim in front of friends and family, laughing it off as “all in good fun.” However, the constant humiliation makes the victim feel unimportant and demoralized. Family, friends, even co-workers may begin to see a change in the victim at this point, especially if the abuser belittles the victim in front of them. However, few will say anything, not wanting to upset them.
- Emotional Blackmail/Gaslighting – The abuser uses these techniques to increase the victim's belief that they can't survive without them. They convince the victim that conversations or events between the two never happened and that they are mentally unstable. The victim then believes this gaslighting and also believes he or she can't survive without the abuser.
- Denying freedom/autonomy – The abuser may begin insulting the victim's weight and dictating what they should eat and what they should wear. They also control what the victim reads, watches on television, or when they can go shopping.
Coercive control may also include economic abuse. The abuser will control all finances in order to control the victim, such as:
- Forcing the victim to give them their entire paycheck
- Keeping them from attending school or any program that teaches a skill
- Deciding how they will spend any money
- Forcing the victim to open credit cards and loans in their name
- Forcing victims to quit their jobs
- Taking complete control of household funds and necessities
- Keeping the victim financially dependent on them
If you are a victim of coercive control, you can get help. Reach out through a hotline for a safe house, then contact a family lawyer and see if you can file a protective order. A protective order can keep your abuser from threatening, stalking, and harassing you. It is also legally enforceable, meaning the police have the authority to enforce them if your abuser comes near you. Once you are safe, your lawyer can help you find other legal options.
If economic abuse was involved, freeze any bank accounts you have with all three credit bureaus. Check your credit report to be sure your abuser hasn't opened any lines of credit in your name, then talk to a financial attorney about how to further protect yourself.