The number of gray divorces, or divorces taking place when spouses are 50 or older, is growing, with couples waiting until their children are grown and gone to end their marriage. Some see this as the end of the “happily ever after” they'd dreamed of, but others see it as a new beginning.
Finding yourself alone after spending what seems like a lifetime with a spouse and family can be frightening. The children are hundreds of miles away with jobs and families of their own and good friends begin to withdraw, either taking sides in the divorce or feeling awkward when you get together. You may see yourself solo aging or growing older without a spouse or loved one living nearby to contact if you find yourself in a crisis situation. However, with some planning and a positive attitude, solo aging after a gray divorce can become anything but solo and more fun than frightening.
First, there are some important issues you should see to as soon as possible:
- Finances – First, make sure you will have enough money to live on. You will have to reorganize your finances in order to have financial stability. During the divorce you and your ex should have divided such assets as pensions, savings, and property. It's a good idea to consult a financial advisor about possibly reallocating some of your investments. On a smaller scale, create a daily budget and pay off as many debts as you can.
- Legal issues – Many legal documents reflect the wishes of both you and your ex. After the divorce, you should draw up new ones that reflect your wishes alone. You should create your own will that names an executor of your estate who will know your wishes when it comes to dividing your possessions when you die. It is also important to choose a financial and medical power of attorney to speak for you should you become incapacitated.
Choosing where you live is just as important for solo agers as arranging finances and legal matters. Living alone and withdrawing from society can cause physical as well as mental problems, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, severe depression, anxiety, even cognitive decline and Alzheimer's. It's important to keep this in mind and choose a place where you can be happy, someplace where you will feel confident enough to make new friends and begin building a new life, even if that means stepping outside of your comfort zone. There are different places to consider, taking into consideration your physical limitations. Here are some possibilities:
- Age at home- Many people opt to stay in their own homes where they have roots and memories. There are a growing number of organizations available to help you do that. One such group is Village to Village. Older people living close to each other form a “village.” These villages then join a nation-wide network of other villages. The network coordinates access to such services as transportation, technical support, and home repairs. They also vet services such as plumbers and electricians. The goal is to help solo agers find friendship, activities, and dependable goods and services while still living in their own homes.
- Auxiliary dwelling units-These are areas close to or part of an existing building that are transformed into living spaces. They may be rooms modified to become living quarters, such as basements, attics, or rooms over a garage, or they may be guest houses or pool houses. The rent may be more reasonable than an apartment, and private doorways allow you to come and go on your own.
- House sharing – Think “Golden Girls,” the tv series from the 1980s. Four women over 50 shared a home, each having her own room and access to a common area and the kitchen. Rules vary from house to house. Some homeowners will allow pets, while others allow divorced parents to have their children with them.
- Retirement villages - Retirement villages vary in what they offer. Some offer houses for those who are still able to live independently or just need a daily “wellness check,” as well as apartment complexes for those who want services such as laundry and maid service, all on the premises. Activities are scheduled regularly in a common area, and medical services are available.
Whichever you choose, make sure you have things in common with those around you, such as shared interests and goals. You can still do some of the things you'd planned to, such as learning to play an instrument, taking a continuing education class, travelling, even start a cottage business. You don't have to give up your dreams just because your ex is no longer in the picture. You've taken your finances and legal matters into your own hands, and you've chosen some new friends. With a new life ahead of you and new friends at your side, you may be in a home alone, but you are not aging solo!